A young boy had gone to stay with his grandmother and she had given him an old family Bible to look at. He was fascinated by the pictures and when a leaf which had been pressed among the pages fell out, he squealed

“Look what I’ve found Gran!”

“What is it?” She asked

With astonishment in his voice he replied, “ I think it’s Adam’s Clothes.”

A man looked up to heaven and asked “God, what is a million years to you?”

“A million years to me is like a second to you”. Came the reply.

The man then asked, “What is a million pounds to you?”

“A million pounds to me is like a penny to you.

Then the man asked “God can I have a million pounds?”

“Certainly” replied God “In a Second”.

A pastor was preaching in church one Sunday morning when a young boy began to fidget. After a while, his mother stood up to take him outside.

“It’s quite all right” Said the pastor “ He isn’t bothering me.

“I know” replied the mother. “ But you’re bothering him.

A young lady with a sweet tooth found it difficult to get into her summer dresses, she decided to cut down on cakes and chocolate. Consequently, her friends were surprised when she turned up at the office one day with a large chocolate gateau. “We thought you were going to give up all that kind of thing, “they said.

“Well, I prayed about it, “ Helen said, “ and I’m sure God gave me a sign that it would be all right to eat this gateau, I said, ‘Lord, if you want me to have that cake, let there be a parking space right outside the shop. ‘ And on the eighth time round the block, there was!

Old George was getting out his lawnmower, when his next door neighbour happened to be outside in his garden admiring the flowers and the shrubs which he had planted.

“Beautiful day” He called over the hedge to George.

“Yes he replied, ‘God’s creation is wonderful But I just wish he had made slower – growing grass.

When little Lucy was invited to take part in one of her Sunday school services she was very pleased.

However, when the day arrived and she stood up in front of the congregation, she couldn’t remember the words she had so carefully learned.

Fortunately, her mother was in the front row and whispered. “ I am the Light of the World.” Lucy’s face brightened. “My mum is the Light of the World” She began confidently. There were smiles at her innocent mistake.

A Mother was standing outside, and out of sight of her six year old son Edwards bedroom , listening to him saying his prayers. He was word perfect until she heard him say. ‘Give us this day our daily bread and deliver us some e-mail”

Such is the influence of computers in the modern world.

A little girl was asked in Sunday School if she knew the story of Adam and Eve.

She replied, “First God made Adam, and then He, looked at him and said, ‘ I think I can do better – so then He created woman.

(ouch!)

Young Ross had proudly put on his new slippers. “Oh, Ross” exclaimed his mother, “You’ve put them on the wrong feet!”

“But, Mummy,” he protested “these are the only feet I’ve got!”

A Grandfather and his granddaughter were sitting talking. “ Did God make you Grandpa?” the little girl asked.

“Yes God made me” he said.

“And did God make me?” asked the girl.

“Yes, he did.”

The little girl studied her grandfather for a while, comparing him with her reflection in a mirror. “You know, Grandpa”, she finally said, “God’s been doing a better job lately.”

On Saturday morning, the ladies’ Guild will hold their annual Jumble sale. In collecting goods for this event, it is a splendid chance for all the ladies of the congregation to get rid of anything that is not worth keeping, but is too good to be thrown away.

Don’t forget to bring your husbands.

Eight-year-old Lisa was chatting to her grandmother one day. Grandma told her, with a touch of pride, that she had been attending Bible class for nearly fifty years.

Lisa looked at her sympathetically and patted her hand: “Don’t worry about it Grandma” She said, “maybe this year you will pass!”

A couple were making arrangements for their wedding and asked the bakery to inscribe the wedding cake with "1 John 4:18" which reads "There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear."

The bakery evidently lost, smudged or otherwise misread the noted reference, and beautifully inscribed on the cake "John 4:18" ...

"for you have had five husbands, and the man you have now is not your husband."

Soon after our last child left home for college, my husband was resting next to me on the couch with his head in my lap. I carefully removed his glasses.

"You know, honey," I said sweetly, "Without your glasses you look like the same handsome young man I married."

"Honey," he replied with a grin, "Without my glasses, you still look pretty good too!"

A young man had just gotten his driving permit. He asked his father, who was a minister, if they could discuss his use of the car.

His father said to him, "I'll make a deal with you. You bring your grades up, study your bible a little, and get your hair cut, then we will talk about it."

A month later the young man came back and again asked his father if they could discuss his use of the car.

His father said, "Son, I'm real proud of you. You have brought your grades up, you've studied your bible diligently, but you didn't get a hair cut!"

The young man waited a moment and replied, "You know dad, I've been thinking about that. You know Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, Noah had long hair, and even Jesus had long hair."

His father replied, "Yes son, and they walked everywhere they went!"

The newly-married husband came home from the office to find his young wife in floods of tears.

"Darling, whatever is the matter?" he asked.

"Sweetheart," she sobbed, "the most terrible thing has happened! I cooked my very first Beef Bourguignon for you, and I got it out of the oven to season it, and the phone rang. When I came back from answering the phone," she sobbed again. "I found that the cat had eaten it!"

"Don't worry, darling," said her husband.

"Don't cry. We can get a new cat tomorrow."

The minister's little six-year-old girl had been so naughty during the week, that her mother decided to give her the worst kind of punishment. She told her she couldn't go to the Sunday School Picnic on Saturday.

When the day came, her mother felt she had been too harsh and changed her mind. When she told the little girl she could go to the picnic, the child's reaction was one of gloom and unhappiness.

"What's the matter? I thought you'd be glad to go to the picnic." her mother said.

"It's too late!" the little girl said. "I've already prayed for rain!"

My Dad and I were talking the other night about love and marriage.

He told me that he knew as early as their wedding what marriage to my Mom would be like. It seems the minister asked my Mom, "Do you take this man to be your husband." And she said, "I do."

Then the minister asked my Dad, "Do you take this woman to be your wife," and my Mom said, "He does."

A man was on a long walk in the country. He became thirsty so decided to stop at a little cottage and ask for something to drink.

The lady of the house invited him in and served him a bowl of soup by the fire. There was a wee pig running around the kitchen, running up to the visitor and giving him a great deal of attention. The visitor commented that he had never seen a pig this friendly.

The housewife replied: "Ah, he's not that friendly. That's his bowl you're using."

The Boy Scouts were out collecting bottles for a fund raising activity. One ambitious but nervous young man knocked on a door and a sour-faced lady came to the door and asked:

"What do you want, Sonny?"

"D-d-do you have any beer bottles for the Boy Scouts, M-m-m-ma'am?" he asked.

"Look here, young man, do I look like the kind of lady who would drink beer?" replied the lady.

"S-s-sorry, Ma'am," was his reply.

"W-w-what about vinegar bottles?"

A grandmother overheard her 5-year-old granddaughter playing "wedding."

The wedding vows went like this:

"You have the right to remain silent, anything you say may be held against you, you have

the right to have an attorney present. You may kiss the bride."

A woman rushes to see her doctor, looking very much worried and all strung out.

She rattles off, "Doctor, take a look at me. When I woke up this morning, I looked at myself in the mirror and saw my hair all wiry and frazzled up, my skin was all wrinkled and pasty, my eyes were blood-shot and bugging out, and I had this corpse-like look on my face! What's wrong with me, Doctor?"

The doctor looks her over for a couple of minutes, then calmly says,

"Well, I can tell you one thing . . . there ain't nothing wrong with your eyesight."

After some discussion, he finally bought a centipede (100-legged bug) , which came in a little white box to use for his house. He took the box back home, found a good location for the box, and decided he would start off by taking his new pet to a restaurant to have a meal.

So he asked the centipede in the box, "Would you like to go to Frank's with me and have a bite to eat?" But there was no answer from his new pet.

This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes and then asked him again, "How about going out and having a snack with me?"

But again, there was no answer from his new friend and pet. So he waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation. He decided to ask him one more time - this time putting his face up against the centipede's house and shouting,he said, "Hey, in there! Would you like to go get some food with me?

A tiny little voice came out of the box:...............

"I heard you the first time! I'm putting on my shoes."

...tales from the Operator.

Caller: I'd like the number of the Argoed Fish Bar in Cardiff, please.
Operator: I'm sorry, there's no such listing. Are you sure you have the spelling correct?
Caller : Well, it used to be called the Bargoed Fish Bar but the B fell off.

Caller: I'd like the number of the Scottish knitwear company in Woven.
Operator: I can't find a town called 'Woven'? Are you sure?
Caller: Yes. That's what it says on the label - Woven in Scotland.

Caller: I'd like the RSPCA please.
Operator: Where are you calling from?
Caller: The living room.

Caller: The water board please.
Operator: Which department?
Caller: Tap water

Operator: How are you spelling that?
Caller: With letters.

Caller: I'd like the number for a Reverend in Cardiff, please.
Operator: Do you have his name?
Caller: No, but he has a dog named Ben.

Caller: The Union of Shopkeepers and Alligators please.
Operator: You mean the Amalgamated Union of Shopkeepers?
Caller: Yes.

As I drove into the Church parking lot, I noticed that a pickup truck with a dog sitting behind the wheel was rolling toward a woman walking towards the church. She seemed oblivious, so I hit my horn to get her attention. She looked up just in time to jump out of the way of the truck's path, and the vehicle bumped harmlessly into the curb and stopped.

I rushed to the woman's side to see if she was all right. "I'm fine," she assured me, "but I hate to think what could have happened to me if that dog hadn't honked."

A church wanted to help their congregation cope better with the stresses of modern life, and decided to offer a course in Time Management.

Soon after the course was announced, a member telephoned the Pastor.

"What time does the course start, Pastor?"

The Pastor replied, "Oh... sixish, sevenish...."

The new pastor decided to visit the children's Sunday school. The teacher introduced him and said, "Pastor, this morning we're studying Joshua."

"That's wonderful," said the new pastor, "let's see what you're learning. Who tore down the walls of Jericho?"

Little Billy shyly raised hand and offered, "Pastor, I didn't do it."

Taken aback, the pastor asked, "Come on, now, who tore down the walls of Jericho?"

The teacher, interrupting, said, "Pastor, Billy's a good boy. If he says he didn't do it, I believe he didn't do it."

Flustered, the pastor went to the Sunday school director and related the story to him.

The director, looking worried, explained, "Well, sir, we've had some problems with Billy before. Let me talk to him and see what we can do."

Really bothered now by the answers of the teacher and the director, the new pastor approached the deacons and related the whole story, including the responses of the teacher and the director.

A white-haired gentleman thoughtfully stroked his chin and said, "Well, Pastor, I move we just take the money from the general fund to pay for the walls and leave it at that."

A minister was called away unexpectedly by the illness of a close family member. He entrusted his new assistant with filling the pulpit. The Pastor's wife stayed home. When he returned, the minister asked his wife what she thought of the young man's sermon.

"The poorest I've ever heard," she said. "There was nothing in it, nothing at all. It didn't even make sense. It was very unorganized. I was disappointed."

Later that day, the concerned minister met his assistant and asked him, "How'd the Sunday service and sermon go? Did all go well? How did you manage?"

"All went very well, absolutely wonderful," he said. "I didn't have time to prepare a new sermon of my own on such short notice, so I got on your computer and pulled up one of your old sermon's from last year."

A man was telling his friend about his upstairs neighbours. "They started to jump up and down on the floor at five o'clock in the morning!"

His friend asked, "well, didn't that disturb you? Didn't you complain?

"No-it didn't disturb me. I was practicing my trumpet."

If you MUST speed on the highway, sing these hymns loudly:

at 45 mph.... "God Will Take Care of Me"

at 55 mph.... "Guide me, O Great Jehovah"

at 65 mph.... "Nearer My God to Thee"

at 75 mph.... "Nearer Still Nearer"

at 85 mph.... "This World is Not My Home"

at 95 mph.... "Lord, I'm Coming Home"

at 100 mph.... "Precious Memories"

A class of six–year-olds was preparing a scene for a Nativity play one Christmas.

To get them thinking, their teacher asked them to draw some ideas of what the scene should represent.

One enterprising lad drew Joseph as a carpenter surrounded by lots of tools, including an electric drill. His teacher, on examining the picture, exclaimed, “It’s a good picture, Mike, but there was no electricity in those days!”

Mike promptly explained. “But this is a cordless one!

A notice on a Church’s notice-board quite simply stated “Trepassers will be forgiven.”

A Schoolteacher asked her young pupils to practise their writing skills by composing an imaginary letter to their Minister.

Here are two to make you smile.

Dear Minister – I liked your sermon on Sunday especially when it was finished. Robin

Dear Minister – Please say in your sermon that Scott Paterson has been a good boy all week. I am Scott Paterson.

A stallholder of mature years witnessed a near collision between two cars. He commented “I reckon there were just as many reckless drivers when I was a lad – but they drove something that had more sense than they had. Horse sense!”

A primary school teacher had asked his class to write a letter to God here are two.

Dear God, - Did you really mean the giraffe to look like that, or was it just an accident that he turned out that way?

Dear God – Instead of letting people die and having to make new ones, why don’t you just keep the ones you have now?

A senior clerk was retiring and was being presented with a set of golf clubs. His boss said, “Mr Smith is a man who doesn’t know the meaning of idleness, he doesn’t know the meaning of unpunctuality or wastefulness.”

“I told you,” said a voice from the gathering, “We should have given him a dictionary!”

Sunday school was in session. The classes were separated only by partitions that went barely halfway up the room. The teacher of one class became annoyed beyond endurance by the noisy behaviour of boys nearby. He walked round the partition, glared at the biggest boy who seemed to be making the most noise, and ushered him over into his own class, telling him to sit in the corner and behave.

For a few moments, there was an almost unearthly silence and then a small voice piped up: “Please, sir, you’ve taken our teacher!”

Have you heard about the farmer whose ‘Private’ and ‘Trespassers will be prosecuted’ notices had been constantly ignored?

He put up the following sign by the gate to his grazing fields.

“The farmer permits you to cross his field for free - but the bull will charge.”

A little boy asked his Sunday school teacher “Please Miss, does God have a mobile phone?” Not an easy question to answer, but tactfully she told him, “I suppose He must have, for in his own way, He keeps in touch with lots of people every day.”

“Mmm,” mused the young lad. “ Doesn’t he get into trouble for using it too much? My Sister does!”

When little Laura’s grandmother trying to instil the real spirit of Christmas, asked why Church bells ring on December 25th.

Quick as a flash came back the answer: “Because the bell ringer is pulling the rope!”

A Minster told this story about himself.

Noticing a workman climbing up to the roof of his church one day he enquired about the problem in a penetrating voice. Quick as a flash came the answer from the man on the ladder: “Well, you see it’s like this…..I’ve been told there’s a drip in the pulpit”.

These notices were announced at church services.

Miss Charlene Manson sang “I will not pass this way again.” giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.

The eighth-grades will be presenting Shakespeare’s Hamlet in the Church at 7.00pm. The congregation are invited along to attend this tragedy.

An elderly couple had celebrated their Golden Wedding Anniversary. Somebody asked the lady of that house what was the secret of their long and happy marriage.

She replied, “Before our wedding day I decided to make a list of ten of my husband’s faults which, for the sake of our marriage, I would always overlook.”

“And what did you put on your list?” She was asked. “I never did get round to listing them,” she replied, “but each time he did something that made me mad, I’d simply say to myself – lucky for him it’s one of the ten.”

A six year old boy had drawn a delightful picture of his absent teacher, depicting her leaping with glorious abandon over a crescent moon. Although the drawing itself was self-explanatory, the caption was the icing on the cake:

Dear Miss Macdonald.
I hope you’ll soon be feeling as fit as a fiddle.

A new pastor moved into town and he went out one day to visit his parishioners. All went well until he came upon this one house. It was obvious that someone was home, but no one came to the door even after he had knocked several times.

Finally he took out his card, wrote on the back. “Revelation 3:20” and stuck it on the back of the door. Revelation 3.20: “Behold, I stand at the door, and knock, if any man hear my voice, and open the door, I will come in to him, and will dine with him, and he with me.”

Later in the week, as he was counting the offering, he found his card in the collection plate. Below his message was the notation “Genesis 3:10.”

Genesis 3:10 “And he said, I heard thy voice in the garden, and I was afraid, because I was naked: so I hid myself.”

Why do they say ‘Amen’ at the end of a prayer instead of ‘Awomen’?

The same reason they sing Hymns instead of Hers!

Why didn’t Noah go fishing?

He only had two worms!

When was the longest day in the Bible?

The day Adam was created because there was no Eve.

A friend was in front of me coming out of Church one day, and the preacher was standing at the door as he always is to shake hands. He grabbed my friend by the hand and pulled him aside.

The Pastor said to him, “You need to join the Army of the Lord!”

My friend replied, “I’m already in the Army of the Lord, Pastor.”

Pastor questioned, “How come I don’t see you except at Christmas and Easter?”

He whispered back “I’m in the Secret Service.

A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store but couldn’t find one big enough for her family.

She asked the stock boy “Do these turkeys get any bigger?”

The stock boy replied “No Ma’am, they’re dead”.